a few days ago ryan and i got in a doozy of a fight…then, just a couple days later ryan took me on a date. our first “official” date since silver was born. he arranged for my parents to watch the kids, then….drumroll please….he took me to a local art store to buy some new canvas. they were having a huge sale and we got so many beautiful new canvas…fresh and ready for creating…
no big deal right…wrong, here’s why:
first of all, money is pretty tight for us right now, and spending what we have on canvas was not in the budget…ryan is stingy…um, i mean frugal (wink, wink), so it’s pretty meaningful. then there is the fact that i have started, failed, and restarted creative ventures so many times, and ryan would be so justified in not finacially supporting another one…but he continues to support me. he calls it his best “investments.” finally, his faith and certainty in my talent. he sees it when i don’t.
long story short, i’ve been struggling with just where my creative path is going to lead, in fact i’ve been struggling just to even get on a path at all. ryan knows that this struggle is very destructive for me. so, he took me to buy canvas…a couple new brushes, and some paints. I LOVE IT! he does know me! don’t get me wrong…our marriage is work, but it is the most worthwhile job i could have.
you know, i used to work so hard at my job. i’d stay up till all hours of the night, forgo meals, and dismiss self care if it meant i could use that time to work. i loved work…i craved it…i championed it. it was never simple, usually a challenge, and almost always exhausting. but it was worth it! i am a visionary…and when the work seemed too much, i would rely on a vision..an end goal to carry me through…
the reward was simple…knowing i was moving toward something more than myself…something greater than me alone.
so it should be with marriage…
ummm….wait, what about those lovely chick flicks(that my ryan says are just as bad as a violent/crass action dramas). the ones that leave you wondering why my own marriage isn’t daily displays of passion…acts of affection shown by rainbows, chocolates, and beautifully planned dates with music, dancing and fireworks…that’s love right?
hmph…what about surviving physical and emotional pain, or staying up half the night fighting then waking up ready to work it out. what about the suffering…what about being right along side each other through tragedy…through heartbreak…or celebrating your greatest creation…our children. what about problem solving uncontrolled circumstances that will change things forever…what about for better or for worse… or, how about when you together you are still…when the world you created seems like total chaos…or looking at this world, and realizing that the two of you together have created something extraordinary…something more than you could ever do alone.
our life is a roller coaster ride, full of twists and turns, ups and downs…and an occasional turn into a cave of darkness. i am in the front seat, and i hold on to the hope that i am not on this ride alone.
(this is totally in the works…but i like where it’s going…)
ryan and i have had our share of trials, and although sorry to admit, we have more often than not, let our marriage be the casualty to those trials.
with that i will remind myself of this…it’s work. IT’S WORK! it’s work…and your best work comes with fortitude. this marriage is the most valuable work you will ever do. for yourself, for your man, and for your girls. what you make of marriage will cultivate your own happiness, how i treat my man will nourish his happiness, and showing the girls how it’s done will lead to their happiness. ps…he can be quite charming!