on letting go. really just letting go…

the last few weeks have been quite eventful.  i had planned to use them catching up on old blog posts, preparing for fun new content, painting, creating, volunteering in the school, working out everyday, teaching, cooking, finally doing that post holiday deep cleaning in the house…playing, crafting, and adventuring with my little flock, training them for gymnastics tryouts…oh, and of course having homemade muffins made for the family everyday…the list goes on and on…

instead our poor little family has been hit pretty hard with sickness.  sinus infections, colds, coughs, reflus, bronciolitis, fights, neck pain, back pain, tummy pain…more infections, and major fatigue.  also, we finally got in for sweet little silver’s torticolis treatment…only to be discouraged when we found out she is loosing WAY too much weight and is not thriving…so she has been attached to me non stop!  then today, the cherry on top…i found out that i have to have foot surgery.  again.  on the other foot this time.  umhhh…defeat. in short…i’m feeling really maxed out and super spread thin.  i just don’t see how i can do it all right now?

the last few days, and especially today, i have been thinking about how i really need to ease up on myself…to just let it go! let the expectations go!

hotairletitgoweb

its not unusual that i resign to let things go, resign to have faith, and resign to trust in a bigger plan because it is the only option left(trust…it’s a hard one for me!)  what if instead i could learn to practice letting go.  yes, practice it!  i have to practice gratitude (by the way my gratitude practice today: doctors who can do for me and my family the things i could in no way do for myself or them.)  it’s seems i have gotten in the habit of misleading myself.  i tell myself that if i hold onto pain, discomfort, and unrealistic expectations for myself…it will give me some control, some comfort, something to hold on to.  a layer of protection maybe?

oh healing soul…that is not the protection you need.  you simply need is an armor forged in perspective and an arsenal of unconditional love.  this will help you clearly prioritize your true center.

be brave little girl…and let it go!  let go of the self judgement that comes with that laundry list of unrealistic expectaitons you have set for yourself.  hey…it’s doable, you have done it before. you let go of the fear that came when ryan deployed….both times!  you let go of the sorrow that came with loosing your name when you regretfully sold heidi grace designs.  you let go of the emptiness felt when you miscarried.  you let go of grief that accompanies ill family members.  you let go of heartbreak that clings to martial stress (this is a work in progress.) you let go of the discouragment that came with those new mama blues.  you even let go of the defeat that shadows realization that in this season of your life, you just can not have a perfectly clean house.  none of these are greater than the other, pain is pain.  though this list has left some unhealed battle wounds…you hold them as a reminder, carry them like a badge of honor…then as you chisel down what matters…it is really quite clear:

teamkiloferry

so when life gets busy, gets lonely…gets hard…take a breath, remember you are more than you used to be…recenter your perspective and let the expectations go!

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4 Responses to on letting go. really just letting go…

  1. Anne Hillman says:

    Heidi,
    Being Ryan’s aunt, I get your stuff. This piece moved me enough to comment. I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect in order to be lovable, or worthy, or something…. What I learned is that what you need to do is let go of the misconception that you have control of anything in the first place. No one can be everything to everyone. …but God.
    Your kids all know you’re the BEST MOM EVER!!! because you ARE. Their belief and love in you make it so. PERIOD.
    You’re dedication and love for your husband, your willingness to work on your marriage and realize it’s ALWAYS about love makes you the ideal spouse.
    Seasons come and go in our lives and not everything is meant to last. Your business worked for you then, and you were successful. Good job! But remember, you gave up a business, not its success. Be proud when you see something in the store with your name on it. I am.

    Yep, the best thing I ever did for myself was let go and let God. And Silver is Gods hands…as are we all.
    Love to you -

  2. Kam McCallan says:

    Darling Heidi, I am overwhelmed just reading your to -do list! Oh sweet girl you have to commit to letting go of that superwoman expectation. All your family wants of you is that you be present in their lives and you are such an amazing mom and wife! I so enjoy watching the daily adventures of your little flock. Try dear girl to look at all that is so very sweet in your life. Having four little ones to raise and nurture can’t be easy, but it is so worth it as you know. I applaud your honesty and admire all that you do. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes!
    Your Heavenly Father is watching over you every minute of every day so you really can let go. I know how hard it is to actually do that because I struggle with that too. My husband was diagnosed as failure to thrive after a long journey through cancer but he is indeed thriving now! And through forty years of marriage we have had many many trials but it has all been worth it! Your blessings and trials have made you the amazing woman you are! You really can let go. He’s got this! And you have so much to celebrate. So make yourself a list of all the amazing things you do and have done rather than that to-do list! You really are Amazing!

  3. Melissa says:

    Oh Heidi–you are such an incredible woman! Thank you for your vulnerability and friendship!

  4. amanda wood says:

    Heidi
    you don’t know me (a few messages on fb from a fellow paper geek) and l hope that you don’t mind me commenting on your touching post but you have to know that your designs are an inspiration for me and to so many people. When bad things happen (i’ve had more than my fair share too) i look at your beautiful paper designs from way back and they makes me smile even when everything else around me does not. Its just a stupid little thing but that smile has given me hope when l didn’t think l had any fight left in me. Thank you for that. You have made a difference in my life and l am grateful to you.
    Amanda

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