2016 truth and BIG MAGIC

one word…YES!  no, two words….YES! FINALLY!!  no, 44 words…yes! finally!! a kindred spirit has captured the very description i have been looking for to so adequately explain the fear of  “i’m not worth being creative anymore because i am stuck and in a weird funk, so i’m through.” phase i’ve been in.

reading BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert has transformed my thinking.

i am so truly grateful! not only for her constructive dissection of the creative struggle but more importantly…her empathy! she has masterfully described exactly what i have been going through the last few years creatively with painful yet insightful detail!

i’ve only started to devour it, and already find myself reading the same pages over and over again earnestly trying to digest every word while welding it to memory!

my words have been and will always be, first and foremost, a guide for my little flock.  so i share this in hopes you will learn from my vulnerability girls!

the book outlines an abundance of fears to halt creativity.  as i read the inventory of fears,  i recognized every item listed (except one).  in fact, i didn’t just recognize them…i knew them well.  more than that…i totally face them and let them cast a shadow on my creative self.

all right here comes my Brene Brown moment!!

i have allowed my creativity to become plagued with fear of failure, expectations of perfection, and beliefs of inadequacy. its paralyzing!

these fears are real.  scary and real. fears like, my work won’t be good enough, witty enough, or cute enough. i don’t have the time, energy or resources to attain it with the exact expectations i have set for myself. i am past that artsy phase in my life.  i should be cooking, cleaning, working or mothering. i’m not smart enough, skinny enough, clever enough, cool enough…blah, blah, blah…blah…blah!!!   BLAH!

the fears are real.  but they are just fears.  you can either feed them or starve them…its up to you!

“Creativity is sacred, and it is not sacred.  What we make matters enormously, and it doesn’t matter at all.  We toil alone, and we are accompanied by spirits.  We are terrified, and we are brave.  Art is a crushing chore and a wonderful privilege.  The work wants to be made, and it wants to be made through you.”

Elizebeth Gilbert

Elizabeth Gilbert…really?!  eat, pray, love…i mean i was so moved by that work, but you have hit the mark with this one! if you are struggling with this, i would encourage you to get the book , read the words, and do the work to move through the fear.  that’s my plan!   a life made creative is enriching!  its fun, colorful, exciting, and warm. simply put…it’s what i want for me and my family.

truth: i trusted.

truth: i was betrayed.

truth: it hurt.

truth: it still hurts.

truth: it is much safer for me to be guarded, to mistrust myself and others, and to keep busy avoiding the day miss creativity comes back into my life.

wait…that’s not true! it may be easier and safer…but not embracing your need to connect with creativity hurts you every single day you don’t let her in!

stop feeding fear! he’s a nasty lot. you can recognize him, even wave and smile at him if it suits you…but don’t put your hand in the cage!

be guarded, bitter and jaded…or be confident with mindfulness…inspired with intuition…and brave with authenticity.

fortunately the soul steps in. fortunately miss creativity is forgiving. fortunately there is…courage!  she may be burried, bruised and a little  dusty, but she’s there ready to brushed off, held by the hand, and guided to live life with creativity the way she intended!!!

truth:

i love to nest.

i love to mother.

i love to write.

i love to paint.

i love to draw.

i love to craft.

i love to design.

i love to read.

i love to train.

i love to coach.

i love to think.

i love to look.

and i love to play.

2016: just do what you love heidi.

5 thoughts on “2016 truth and BIG MAGIC

  1. Salvia Harris

    Yay for Heidi!!!! I’m so thrilled to hear this post. I loved reading Eat Pray Love. Now I know what book to buy next. I haven’t been artsy or creative for a long time. I used to throw clay at least twice a week. Hmmmmm I should get back to that. Where is my time? She’s neck deep in family & kids & moving. So that’s my priority. Patiently I’ll have to wait to dig creativity up.
    Love Salvia

  2. Nasca

    Holy wow!! Thank you. I was just sitting here reflecting on how defeated I’ve been feeling. Wishing I could be better about lighting that fire under my own but & just go do what I love. Wondering what is stoping me, is here someone to blame or snuff out. THANK YOU! I soooooooo needed your share
    N

  3. Sharon

    I do not know why, maybe because I draw too, but I have been thinking about the cute little drawings made by “Grace” and I have not seen them around for a while… and it is truth, sometimes life takes us in different directions, sometimes for the well been of others, specially of our loved ones, sometimes we take other roads and give it a try, but the time pass, and one day our time gets back in our hands and from time to time we think on the inner dream that once we cherish in our heart and it starts to twinkle again.

    Your did some beautiful work, and like Ms Gilbert share one time in an event I participated a couple years after she wrote her first famous book, she also said that it is scary to try to be creative after that, when you have been at the top, and she said at that point, “it is scary, but it is something you have to accept, there is a chance you might not top your best work, but that it not why you are doing it, creativity it is in your soul, and is part of what makes you whole, so you have to keep doing and been what and who you were meant to be”, I am glad she thought like that and kept on writing, so we all can have now this new book that can change lives.

    And even if is just for yourself, start drawing again, draw what makes you happy, the spark is always there… do not do it for the rest of us, do it because it is what comes from your heart, and if in the future you want to share it with the rest of us, go ahead, it will be great!

    I hope all the best,

    Sharon Cs.

  4. Heather Ales

    I’m just now reading your post – and it speaks exactly how my heart is feeling! Almost a whole year later! Thank you for sharing your words, Elizabeth’s book and your vulnerability! I loved your creativity then, and I love it still!

  5. Pilar

    Dear Heidi, I love the way you draw. I love what I receive when I see your drawings. I receive joy and peace and I smile when I see your drawings. I studied biology, I was a field biologist and I loved my career. Then I became a mother of two beautiful girls and something new began to grow again inside me. As a child I loved to draw, but that interest died at some moment in my high school years. Some years ago I began to use fabrics and i purchased some of your beautiful fabrics. Thanks a lot, I use them to make clothes and several art work that has embellished our home and filled it with love and joy. I am very grateful for that beautiful art that God has give you. I love to see the beautiful pictures of your girls, you have invested your art in the best place: your daughters. I hope we can enjoy your artwork in the future but now I am really happy for you and your beautiful family, and how your girls have been blessed with your creativity. There are seasons for everything, God bless you Heidi Grace and your beautiful family.

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