Category Archives: my kaleidoscope studio

my kaleidoscope studio is a collection of my art. it showcases my eclectic style, characterizes my free spirit and illustrates our playful and creative life.

2016 truth and BIG MAGIC

one word…YES!  no, two words….YES! FINALLY!!  no, 44 words…yes! finally!! a kindred spirit has captured the very description i have been looking for to so adequately explain the fear of  “i’m not worth being creative anymore because i am stuck and in a weird funk, so i’m through.” phase i’ve been in.

reading BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert has transformed my thinking.

i am so truly grateful! not only for her constructive dissection of the creative struggle but more importantly…her empathy! she has masterfully described exactly what i have been going through the last few years creatively with painful yet insightful detail!

i’ve only started to devour it, and already find myself reading the same pages over and over again earnestly trying to digest every word while welding it to memory!

my words have been and will always be, first and foremost, a guide for my little flock.  so i share this in hopes you will learn from my vulnerability girls!

the book outlines an abundance of fears to halt creativity.  as i read the inventory of fears,  i recognized every item listed (except one).  in fact, i didn’t just recognize them…i knew them well.  more than that…i totally face them and let them cast a shadow on my creative self.

all right here comes my Brene Brown moment!!

i have allowed my creativity to become plagued with fear of failure, expectations of perfection, and beliefs of inadequacy. its paralyzing!

these fears are real.  scary and real. fears like, my work won’t be good enough, witty enough, or cute enough. i don’t have the time, energy or resources to attain it with the exact expectations i have set for myself. i am past that artsy phase in my life.  i should be cooking, cleaning, working or mothering. i’m not smart enough, skinny enough, clever enough, cool enough…blah, blah, blah…blah…blah!!!   BLAH!

the fears are real.  but they are just fears.  you can either feed them or starve them…its up to you!

“Creativity is sacred, and it is not sacred.  What we make matters enormously, and it doesn’t matter at all.  We toil alone, and we are accompanied by spirits.  We are terrified, and we are brave.  Art is a crushing chore and a wonderful privilege.  The work wants to be made, and it wants to be made through you.”

Elizebeth Gilbert

Elizabeth Gilbert…really?!  eat, pray, love…i mean i was so moved by that work, but you have hit the mark with this one! if you are struggling with this, i would encourage you to get the book , read the words, and do the work to move through the fear.  that’s my plan!   a life made creative is enriching!  its fun, colorful, exciting, and warm. simply put…it’s what i want for me and my family.

truth: i trusted.

truth: i was betrayed.

truth: it hurt.

truth: it still hurts.

truth: it is much safer for me to be guarded, to mistrust myself and others, and to keep busy avoiding the day miss creativity comes back into my life.

wait…that’s not true! it may be easier and safer…but not embracing your need to connect with creativity hurts you every single day you don’t let her in!

stop feeding fear! he’s a nasty lot. you can recognize him, even wave and smile at him if it suits you…but don’t put your hand in the cage!

be guarded, bitter and jaded…or be confident with mindfulness…inspired with intuition…and brave with authenticity.

fortunately the soul steps in. fortunately miss creativity is forgiving. fortunately there is…courage!  she may be burried, bruised and a little  dusty, but she’s there ready to brushed off, held by the hand, and guided to live life with creativity the way she intended!!!

truth:

i love to nest.

i love to mother.

i love to write.

i love to paint.

i love to draw.

i love to craft.

i love to design.

i love to read.

i love to train.

i love to coach.

i love to think.

i love to look.

and i love to play.

2016: just do what you love heidi.

little summer skirts

 

summerskirtswithducks

this summer has been jam packed with little adventures! (ummmm…our biggest adventure: one of my favorite friends was looking for a new home for some unexpected ducklings…and they landed at our house!)  we have been on the go non stop…gymnastics, swimming, parks, hikes, shopping, the beach, etc… the girls love to stay fashionable, and we have found that skirts are the greatest thing because they slip on over just about anything.  they keep these little babes modest (because…yes they would go everywhere in nothing but a swimsuit if i’d allow it!), they are easy to pack, and they look adorable!

summerskirtsreagan

today we did a totally spontaneous photo shoot wearing some of the skirts that we have made this summer.  it has been fun to let the girls pick our their favorite fabrics, trims, and threads, and teach them some basics about color matching and design.

summerskirtsbygarden

the possibilities are pretty much endless, and they are so fast, easy, and take so little fabric.  hmmm….maybe i should make a skirt for me…

 

be the light!

be-the-light

a few weeks ago i gave a lesson at church to a group of women called the relief society.  it is an amazing group of women who have been so very supportive and inspirational to me and my family.  with this recent foot surgery i am required to stay off my foot and elevated for 6-8 weeks, and they have been graciously bringing in meals for our family.  this is so helpful because ryan has gone from full time working firefighter to full time dad/caregiver over night.  it has really helped lighten his load.  it’s an honor to be a part of such a great organization, 6 million women strong, one that helps it’s members and all people alike.  in short, the relief society has provided countless hours of service and immeasurable acts of relief to people around the world.

i’m not sure i have ever been so moved by a lesson that i want to share it on my blog, but this one really hit me hard! it focused on the importance of strengthening and preserving the family unit….the most valuable unit on earth and in heaven.  i won’t go in to all of details, but the most important point i took from the lesson was that we have to be the light.

be-the-light-bowl

i handed out these little light bulbs to everyone who who came to the meeting that day.

be-the-light-quotei LOVE that!  it is just was so clear. the light…the workshop…it paints such a great image in my mind of how this works.  i know with out a doubt that i must be the light in our home.  my mood, my attitude, my actions, my words, my ideas, my activities, my goals, my outlook…my very countenance should reflect…light.  i know that when i am the light, my children and husband will be energized…charged, even ignited to go and take on the world.  and then…their little lights will shine.  ahhhh, it is the sweetest reward.  it’s truly the best thing for me to see…it’s simply…bliss.  

and so it’s simple really, it starts with you…be the light!

ireland…my nature girl turns 6.

irelands6bigday

my sweet ireland.  lover of animals, dragons, climbing, and all things nature…she is our earth child!  she turned 6 and asked to go to a farm sanctuary for her birthday. she is SO awesome!  after some serious research and lots of planning, this is how our fantasic weekend went…first stop was the olympic game farm.

gamefarmtrip

we have mixed feelings about this place.  it is great for us to see all of the unique animals, most of which are unwanted by zoo’s, pet owners, and old film companies…the game farm is basically a retirement center for large animals.  of course it is not ideal for some of the animals that clearly were meant to be in the wild, but better here than being mistreated or neglected. with so much land dedicated to the farm, there are quite a few wild indigenous animals that have made the game farm their home.  it is a pretty cool place to take the family, and a great laugh as you will most definitely get chased by buffalo who will stick their whole head in your car and give you a lick…(check out my instagram roll for some hilarious pitures!)

then we made our way into to mountains where we stayed at an awesome bed and breakfast…the elwah ranch.

irelanddayattheranch

there was a huge storm that night and we had to snuggle to keep warm because the power went out…we woke up to fresh fallen snow…it was magical.

speaking of magical…the highlight of it all…the precious life animal sanctuary.

preciouslifesanctury

this place…it is amazing.  i called and spoke to the owner of the farm and told him about sweet ireland and her birthday wish.  his name is ralph, and he is so kind hearted, hardworking, and was so good to oblige us.  i told him we would love to come spend some time on the farm and help out for a morning…he welcomed me, our entire crew, and i am sure…the help!  it was a surprise snow day, and we did not come prepared to get our vanagon up into the mountains, so we had to hike into the farm, which was so fun for the girls.

farmsanctuartylong-stack

ralph is so wonderful with these animals.  they are his friends, as it should be.  he has saved rabbits, cows, horses, turkeys, pigs, goats, dogs, deer, and ducks.  he treats them with such love, respect, and belonging.  he works effortlessly to tend to them, and does so with compassion.  what an amazing example he has set for my little flock.

irelandinherelement

at the entrance to his farm there is a wood carved sign that displays the poem, ‘if i can stop one heart from breaking’  written by emily dickinson.  it reads:

if i can stop on heart from breaking,

i shall not live in vain;

if i can ease one life the aching,

or cool one pain,

or help one fainting robin

unto his nest again,

i shall not live in vain.

-emily dickinson

robin-in-his-nest-webi painted this because i was so moved by everything that ralph stands for, and so inspired by everything irleand loves…and because…in my mind, this is how it should be.

(please if you feel so moved…go to his site and make a donation…he runs this magnificent farm out of his own pocket, and i can only imagine how expensive it is. i have done enough research to know just how difficult this kind of farm is to run…he is saving animals not using them for gain!  he primarily single handily maintains the farm, and it is not open to public…he was just willing to let us come and be a part of his routine for the day.  he does get a few volunteer groups at times…so we are going to be visiting the farm again this summer, and are looking to put together a work crew of volunteers!  if you are interested…please, PLEASE respond or email me!)

it was an awesome birthday wish, and i am so grateful that she has such a warm heart.  it allowed our little family to have quite the adventure, a great time together, and a reminder of the peace we should keep.  happy birthday to my young but old soul…my sweet girl…my earth child!  i love you.

teamkiloatthe-farm

 

 

on letting go. really just letting go…

the last few weeks have been quite eventful.  i had planned to use them catching up on old blog posts, preparing for fun new content, painting, creating, volunteering in the school, working out everyday, teaching, cooking, finally doing that post holiday deep cleaning in the house…playing, crafting, and adventuring with my little flock, training them for gymnastics tryouts…oh, and of course having homemade muffins made for the family everyday…the list goes on and on…

instead our poor little family has been hit pretty hard with sickness.  sinus infections, colds, coughs, reflus, bronciolitis, fights, neck pain, back pain, tummy pain…more infections, and major fatigue.  also, we finally got in for sweet little silver’s torticolis treatment…only to be discouraged when we found out she is loosing WAY too much weight and is not thriving…so she has been attached to me non stop!  then today, the cherry on top…i found out that i have to have foot surgery.  again.  on the other foot this time.  umhhh…defeat. in short…i’m feeling really maxed out and super spread thin.  i just don’t see how i can do it all right now?

the last few days, and especially today, i have been thinking about how i really need to ease up on myself…to just let it go! let the expectations go!

hotairletitgoweb

its not unusual that i resign to let things go, resign to have faith, and resign to trust in a bigger plan because it is the only option left(trust…it’s a hard one for me!)  what if instead i could learn to practice letting go.  yes, practice it!  i have to practice gratitude (by the way my gratitude practice today: doctors who can do for me and my family the things i could in no way do for myself or them.)  it’s seems i have gotten in the habit of misleading myself.  i tell myself that if i hold onto pain, discomfort, and unrealistic expectations for myself…it will give me some control, some comfort, something to hold on to.  a layer of protection maybe?

oh healing soul…that is not the protection you need.  you simply need is an armor forged in perspective and an arsenal of unconditional love.  this will help you clearly prioritize your true center.

be brave little girl…and let it go!  let go of the self judgement that comes with that laundry list of unrealistic expectaitons you have set for yourself.  hey…it’s doable, you have done it before. you let go of the fear that came when ryan deployed….both times!  you let go of the sorrow that came with loosing your name when you regretfully sold heidi grace designs.  you let go of the emptiness felt when you miscarried.  you let go of grief that accompanies ill family members.  you let go of heartbreak that clings to martial stress (this is a work in progress.) you let go of the discouragment that came with those new mama blues.  you even let go of the defeat that shadows realization that in this season of your life, you just can not have a perfectly clean house.  none of these are greater than the other, pain is pain.  though this list has left some unhealed battle wounds…you hold them as a reminder, carry them like a badge of honor…then as you chisel down what matters…it is really quite clear:

teamkiloferry

so when life gets busy, gets lonely…gets hard…take a breath, remember you are more than you used to be…recenter your perspective and let the expectations go!