Category Archives: my kaleidoscope house

my kaleidoscope studio is a collection of my art. it showcases my eclectic style, characterizes my free spirit and illustrates our playful and creative life.

on letting go. really just letting go…

the last few weeks have been quite eventful.  i had planned to use them catching up on old blog posts, preparing for fun new content, painting, creating, volunteering in the school, working out everyday, teaching, cooking, finally doing that post holiday deep cleaning in the house…playing, crafting, and adventuring with my little flock, training them for gymnastics tryouts…oh, and of course having homemade muffins made for the family everyday…the list goes on and on…

instead our poor little family has been hit pretty hard with sickness.  sinus infections, colds, coughs, reflus, bronciolitis, fights, neck pain, back pain, tummy pain…more infections, and major fatigue.  also, we finally got in for sweet little silver’s torticolis treatment…only to be discouraged when we found out she is loosing WAY too much weight and is not thriving…so she has been attached to me non stop!  then today, the cherry on top…i found out that i have to have foot surgery.  again.  on the other foot this time.  umhhh…defeat. in short…i’m feeling really maxed out and super spread thin.  i just don’t see how i can do it all right now?

the last few days, and especially today, i have been thinking about how i really need to ease up on myself…to just let it go! let the expectations go!


its not unusual that i resign to let things go, resign to have faith, and resign to trust in a bigger plan because it is the only option left(trust…it’s a hard one for me!)  what if instead i could learn to practice letting go.  yes, practice it!  i have to practice gratitude (by the way my gratitude practice today: doctors who can do for me and my family the things i could in no way do for myself or them.)  it’s seems i have gotten in the habit of misleading myself.  i tell myself that if i hold onto pain, discomfort, and unrealistic expectations for myself…it will give me some control, some comfort, something to hold on to.  a layer of protection maybe?

oh healing soul…that is not the protection you need.  you simply need is an armor forged in perspective and an arsenal of unconditional love.  this will help you clearly prioritize your true center.

be brave little girl…and let it go!  let go of the self judgement that comes with that laundry list of unrealistic expectaitons you have set for yourself.  hey…it’s doable, you have done it before. you let go of the fear that came when ryan deployed….both times!  you let go of the sorrow that came with loosing your name when you regretfully sold heidi grace designs.  you let go of the emptiness felt when you miscarried.  you let go of grief that accompanies ill family members.  you let go of heartbreak that clings to martial stress (this is a work in progress.) you let go of the discouragment that came with those new mama blues.  you even let go of the defeat that shadows realization that in this season of your life, you just can not have a perfectly clean house.  none of these are greater than the other, pain is pain.  though this list has left some unhealed battle wounds…you hold them as a reminder, carry them like a badge of honor…then as you chisel down what matters…it is really quite clear:


so when life gets busy, gets lonely…gets hard…take a breath, remember you are more than you used to be…recenter your perspective and let the expectations go!

on embracing change…


a friend from my old career days asked if i was going to be at cha (it’s this huge craft show in our industry) this weekend… and i told her, “oh no that ship has sailed.”  you know, there are times when i think i’ve missed the boat. truthfully though, nothing beats my view and company from right hear at port kilo!  i don’t think i can ever say my artist career days are over, and i’ve got some pretty good ideas up my sleeve, but i am taking time to reinvent my art style…and for now, i am just enjoying this season of my life. yesterday after church, we painted and listened to music all day. i experimented with watercolor and canvas, and with these very thoughts in mind created this piece. ok, and seriously…who wouldn’t enjoy these little gems!


this is a…big…no huge change, and there are definitely days i fight that change…and i sometimes catch myself thinking the grass is greener on the other side…so do remeber this story when those thoughts creep in.

 i was shopping at trader joe’s last week and noticed the sweetest older gentleman shopping.  it was obvious he had never really shopped in a store like that before, as he was anxiously devouring all of the labels, reading the ingredients and then periodically sighing with disappointment, only to place the item back on the shelf.  as i walked by him, he heard my little silver coo, and stopped looked at her and then at me and said, “that’s what it is all really about you know.”

i was instantly smitten by him, and we bumped into each other a few more times as we were shopping. through our short interactions his story started to unfold.  he has recently moved into a small apartment by himself, and told me that his grand daughters were there visiting and went though his cupboards and told him he had to start eating healthier…he told me that they had got rid of almost all of his groceries.  then told him that he could only shop at healthy stores from now on.  they had given him a list of healthy do’s and don’ts.

he was so charming as he asked questions about different ingredients and different health benefits of certain kinds of foods.  one of the things he told me was that his granddaughters told him he had to switch to almond butter instead of peanut butter.  he thought that was crazy, until i agreed that is is a more healthy option, and then he resigned to agree.  he asked me to walk him over and show him exactly what to buy.  i asked if he liked chunky or smooth, and he told me he liked chunky peanut butter better, so he’d probably like chunky almond butter better too…i had to chuckle to myself when he said, “unless of course smooth almond butter is a healthier option, then i better get that?” i told him i thought he’d be just fine with chunky.

we chatted about a few more healthy options he could purchase to restock his cupboards, checked out, and then he  graciously helped me to the car and loaded my groceries for me while i tended to silver.

what a great example of someone willing to embrace change!  i got the impression he’d been eating the same foods his whole life, and carried on in the same old routine…but a sudden change had left him alone and  when told by his young grand daughters a new way to eat, he embraced it.  he embraced it with enthusiasm, and determination.

it made me think about the changes i have made in my life over the last few years, few months and even few days. some changes have been huge, and others quite minor…some change is  self prescribed and other change was placed on me with no choice at all.  today a freind reminded me that sometimes, things just happen.  we don’t always know the reason, but we can take peace in knowing that we can control is our attitude toward those happenings.

my thoughts this morning are…stop surviving change, and instead embrace it.

what are you holding on to?


what are you holding on to?  why are you holding it so tightly?  why aren’t you willing to let it go…to put it down…to move on? what…is in that suitcase?

i painted this little girl last summer, while thinking about the stuff i was holding on to.  my baggage.  i haven’t really been able to let myself think about it again till now…(thanks to my new friend susan, who unknowingly gave me the nudge i needed to write about this)

i believe most great experiences in life come with highs and lows.  they come with memories i cherish and hope to never let go of.  yet i find it’s those memories that can just slip right through my fingertips.  then there are the memories that hurt, the ones i desperately want to let go of, but just can’t seem to find a way. the ones that i hold on to so tight, as if their very content will give me something valuable.  it’s just like holding a balloon and a suitcase.

i am practicing gratitude and striving for physical wellness right now…and right along with that comes focusing on what i choose to hold on to.  i have got to let go of a painful past, forgive people who have hurt me, surrender the resentment, and waive the white flag to expectations. there is just no room for it in my life.

girl…you are more than you use to be!  more than you used to be 5 years ago, and more than you were just 5 days ago. so, when you wake up each morning, think about what you really want to carry with you…and be sure there is no baggage!